Path of Dialogue

A series of 14 Single Point Lesson modules dealing with communication.

Do you face these Challenges?

• People in your organization don't speak up publicly; they wait and talk about issues to friends who will listen and agree, but who can't help improve things.
• People treat each other with disrespect.
• People defer to managers rather than suggest their own ideas.
• Problems are not causes for improvements in organizational policies or behaviors.
• There is more argument and debate in your organization than seeking to understand and exploring options.
• Poor communication is one of the problems that shows up on any survey that is done.
• Have you seen it?

The Path of Dialogue delivers these SOLUTIONS to these challenges.

In the typical organization, Most people share only a fraction of what they're thinking and feeling. With certain -- and often the most critical -- topics, people keep their mouths shut. They remain mum because in their organization it's better to be functionally dumb than politically stupid. After all, certain things just aren't said. People's feelings might be hurt, or the powers that be might be offended. What needs to be said remains unsaid because it's hard to put into words -- safely.

Here are the promises of The Path of Dialogue:

You'll learn how to:

• Improve collaboration and reduce conflict between employees and departments.
• Recognize when you're falling back into bad habits of ineffective communication with other people.
• Bring what you're thinking into the open -- safely and successfully.
• Express your ideas in ways that don't create defensiveness and that encourage others to express their ideas.
• Ensure that your team's or organization's decisions represent your best collective thinking.
• Get full commitment on decisions from everyone in your team or work group.
• Create and maintain the conditions of dialogue in even the most challenging of situations.
• Create dramatically improved results in relationships, teams, and organizations.

The Path of Dialogue Modules:

Module 1: Assessing our Dialogue Skills.

Module 2: Understanding Dialogue.

Module 3: Getting back on the Path of Dialogue.

Module 4: Assessing your Native Tongue.

Module 5: Looking before Leaping.

Module 6: Avoiding Self Deception.

Module 7: Turning Arguments into Agreements.

Module 8: Becoming Better Listeners.

Module 9: Encouraging Others to Share.

Module 10: Speaking your Mind.

Module 11: Not Jumping to Conclusions.

Module 12: Dealing with "Undiscussables".

Module 13: Sharing your own "Undiscussables".

Module 14: Discussing "Undiscussables".

Assessing Our Dialogue Skills

Where should we start our training?

Introductory Summary:

What’s our "native tongue"?

Given the extraordinary costs associated with insufficient dialogue skills, it pays to take the effort to improve them. In order to know where to focus our attention, it’s helpful to be aware of our "native tongue." Our "native tongue" is our interaction style when we’re under pressure or in tough situations. Some people habitually move to silence, others to violence (verbally or otherwise), and a few to dialogue. Most of us are switch-hitters. Knowing our team’s natural tendencies—and the attendant problems—helps us chart our course of learning.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

• Understand their "native tongue"—their habitual communication style in challenging situations.
• Chart their course of learning using the Path of Dialogue Single Point Lessons.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (five clips)

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps teams understand the critical need for better dialogue skills—for staying on the Path of Dialogue. This Single Point Lesson also helps teams assess what their strengths and opportunities for improvement are. Each team can then chart their course of learning—decide which of the other Path of Dialogue Single Point Lessons they would like to engage in.

Along with Understanding Dialogue (Lesson B), this lesson sets the stage and lays the foundation for the other Path of Dialogue Single Point Lessons. These two lessons can be taught separately or in one longer introductory session.

Understanding Dialogue

How to Avoid Silence and Violence

Introductory Summary:

A good map helps us stay on the path.

The Path of Dialogue leads to both interpersonal and organizational vitality. We enter the path through Mutual Purpose. We stay on the path through Mutual Respect. We improve vitality by expanding the pool of available meaning.

We fall off the path into silence and violence because we don’t maintain one or more of these three conditions.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain what dialogue is and what it helps to achieve.
2. Recognize the three conditions of dialogue.
3. Use this ability as a tool for getting back on the Path of Dialogue.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (five clips), Path of Dialogue Model Card for each participant

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps teams learn the necessary conditions for staying on the Path of Dialogue. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Along with Assessing Our Dialogue Skills (Lesson A), this lesson sets the stage and lays the foundation for the rest of the Path of Dialogue Single Point Lessons. These two lessons can be taught separately or in one longer introductory session.

Getting Back on the Path of Dialogue

How to Build Mutual Purpose, Mutual Respect, and Mutual Meaning

Introductory Summary:

When the going gets tough, use dialogue.

When we see that we’re straying from the Path of Dialogue, we need to spring into action. This doesn’t mean we quickly accuse or blame others. Instead, we should first ask ourselves, where did I go wrong? Did I somehow miscommunicate meaning, purpose, or respect? If so, we should use the contrasting skill to clarify what’s miscommunicated—do want and don’t want, do intend and don’t intend, do mean and don’t mean.

By continually striving for mutuality, we’re in a much better position to stay on the Path of Dialogue.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain what to do when Mutual Meaning, Mutual Respect, or Mutual Purpose is at risk.
2. Use contrasting as a tool for clarifying meaning, respect, and purpose.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (five clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps teams learn and practice Dialogue Principle #1: Work on me first, us second. The teams learn and practice the important skill of contrasting— clarifying what they intend, mean, and want. Contrasting helps individuals get back on the Path of Dialogue by keeping "clear meaning" flowing freely.

Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Assessing Your Native Tongue

What is your natural communication style?

Introductory Summary:

How do you act under stress?

Each of us has a way that we naturally and habitually handle interpersonal communication challenges. This style is our native tongue. As we become more aware of our native tongue, we can make our interaction styles a matter of choice and a target for improvement. That is:

1. If we name the game we’re playing, we’re less likely to keep playing it.
2. We can think about what we’re doing as we’re doing it (or even before). We can avoid common mistakes or at least catch ourselves in midstream and make corrections.
3. As we involve others, they can help by giving us ongoing feedback and assistance.

In short, we can find our way back to the Path of Dialogue.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Identify our own native tongue.
2. See how others view our native tongue.
3. Develop a plan for working on an aspect of our native tongue that could use some improvement.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (two clips), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants individually recognize their existing dialogue skills and challenges. Each participant takes an assessment to pinpoint their tendencies toward silence, violence, or dialogue. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Looking before Leaping

How to Move from Strong Emotions to Dialogue

Introductory Summary:

What’s the Fundamental Attribution Error?

When others do things we dislike, we often ask ourselves, "What’s the worst and most personal way I can see this?" We tell a Villain Story. Assuming the worst about others typically drives us to seek unhealthy reprisals. By labeling others as bad and wrong, we’re then able to do things to them that we wouldn’t normally do.

To cut this terrible cycle, we need to impute good motive by asking the "Humanizing Question": "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent human being do this?" Imputing good motive helps heal battered relationships and builds interpersonal vitality.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Deal with the root cause of strong emotions that drive us to either silence or violence.
2. Explain one form of the Fundamental Attribution Error—the Villain Story.
3. Recognize the costs associated with shooting from the hip, assuming the worst, and otherwise failing to give others the benefit of the doubt.
4. Move from passing quick judgment to carefully seeking root causes.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (five clips, plus two additional clips for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants see opportunities to diagnose before entering a conversation. As the old adage goes, sometimes we start the mouth running without first engaging the brain.

This lesson highlights an essential skill for working on me first. At the end of the lesson, participants will make plans to help them work to avoid making the Fundamental Attribution Error by telling Villian Stories. They’ll look for opportunities to own their Path of Meaning rather than tell stories.

Avoiding Self-Deception

How to Avoid Blaming Others, Feeling Helpless, and Living Out of Control

Introductory Summary:

Do you turn yourself into a victim?

As people run into barriers and fail to achieve results, some make the Fundamental Self-Deception Error. They blame the world by telling a Victim Story. They come to believe that Results = No Results + A Victim Story.

Others find ways to describe the whole picture. They examine themselves and ask what role they’re playing in the problem. They seek clear and complete facts. Rather than see themselves as a victim of people and circumstances, they see themselves as a key player. As people begin to take responsibility for their own role, they move from telling Victim Stories to Useful Stories.

They see what needs to change and how to change it. They move from victim to victor.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Deal with the root causes of hot emotions that drive us to silence or violence.
2. Explain one form of the Fundamental Attribution Error—Victim Stories.
3. Define the role we individually play as we move ourselves toward discouragement or confidence.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (two clips, plus two additional clips for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants understand (1) how they often engage in self-defeating behaviors and (2) what it takes to move from giving excuses to taking productive action.

At the end of the lesson, participants will be asked to examine the stories they’ve been telling themselves, the results they’ve suffered, and what it’ll take to move from giving excuses to stepping up to their role in the problem. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Turning Arguments into Agreements

How to Establish Mutual Purpose

Introductory Summary:

Learn to separate strategies from purpose.

Mutual Purpose means that others sense that you care about what they care about. It’s the foundation of trust. People often lose trust or get into arguments because they confuse purpose (what they want) from strategy (how they plan on getting it).

When Mutual Purpose is at risk:

1. Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.
2. Separate strategies from purpose.
3. Brainstorm alternative strategies.

Once you’ve established Mutual Purpose, you can continue along the Path of Dialogue.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain the importance of Mutual Purpose and what happens when it’s violated.
2. See the difference between strategy and purpose and move from strategy to purpose—while in the midst of a tense discussion.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (two clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants find ways to seek Mutual Purpose rather than personal victories.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to use the skills they’ve learned (a three-step process). Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Becoming Better Listeners

How to Actively Help Others Express What’s on Their Mind

Introductory Summary:

Two ears, one mouth—you do the math.

Active listening is a tool we can use to help others add to the pool of meaning. As an active listener, we do all we can to aid the other person to express what’s on his or her mind. Rather than jump in with our own ideas, we do whatever it takes to ensure that the other person feels safe and has been heard.

The most common form of active listening is the simple probe. Use it to dive deeper. When things get complicated, try the paraphrase. When their nonverbals and words seem at odds, reflect what you’re seeing. If the person seems reluctant, invite them to share. If need be, take your best shot at what you think the person may be thinking—prime the pump.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain why people don’t always listen to each other all that well.
2. Know how to inquire rather than simply listen.
3. Recognize the different types of active listening, and understand the cue for using each type.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (eight clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: (This lesson has similar content to lesson #5, though with a different skill focus.) This Single Point Lesson helps participants move from not listening or passively listening to actively listening.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to use active listening on a daily basis. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Encouraging Others to Share

How to Make It Safe for Others to Express What’s on Their Mind

Introductory Summary:

Make it safe for others to share.

If we expect everyone to add to the pool of meaning, we have to make it safe for them to say what’s on their mind—particularly controversial or unpopular ideas, opinions, or feelings. To do so, use IRP skills:

When others appear hesitant, Invite them to share what’s on their mind. If things get complicated or heated, or if words seem at odds with actions, Reflect. Finally, take your best guess at what you think the other person is thinking and feeling—Prime the pump.

As you make it safe for others, the pool of meaning expands, and everyone benefits.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Use IRP skills to help make it safe for others to share what they’re thinking and feeling.
2. Recognize which listening skill works best—under what conditions.
3. Work as a team to make it safe for everyone to express his or her honest opinions.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (seven clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: (This lesson has similar content to lesson #4, though with a different skill focus.) This Single Point Lesson helps participants develop skills for encouraging others to share their feelings and opinions—even when controversial.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to use their IRP skills on a routine basis. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Speaking Your Mind

How to Share Information So Others Will Feel Safe Responding

Introductory Summary:

Are you tired of creating resistance?

When we feel strongly about a value or know with certainty that our facts are correct, we tend to push our point. We often become so aggressive that we cause others to become defensive. To avoid this trap, it’s best to . . . Advocate tentatively, and End Advocacy with Inquiry.

This doesn’t mean that we should be mousy or weak. However, by opening up our ideas to disconfirming data, we make it safe for others to add to the pool of available meaning. This, of course, leads to individual and organizational effectiveness.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain what happens when people advocate aggressively.
2. Describe two principles of Advocacy.
3. Demonstrate how to be tentative (without being weak), as well as how to end Advocacy with Inquiry.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (six clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants learn how to advocate in ways that help others feel comfortable expressing their feelings and opinions without fear of attack.

At the end of the lesson, participants will make plans to advocate in ways that make it safe for others to express their opinions openly. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Not Jumping to Conclusions

How to Speak Your Mind without Offending Others

Introductory Summary:

Take charge of your Path of Meaning.

After observing others do something, we usually try to assign meaning to the act. We do so by drawing conclusions about what we’ve seen. If we don’t like our inferences, we develop negative feelings. These often lead to negative actions.

In this lesson, we’ll learn how to nip this fast-paced process in the bud—before it leads to knee-jerk, and often ill-founded, responses. We’ll learn to go directly to the other person and tentatively share our observations, following this with a similarly tactful description of a conclusion that someone might draw.

From there, we’re able to go to open dialogue—with all of the facts on the table. Of course, once we’re in dialogue, we’re in a much better position to expand the pool of available meaning—which, in turn, leads to individual and organizational vitality.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain the Path of Meaning and its implications for dialogue.
2. Distinguish between observations and conclusions.
3. Find a way to blend conclusions and observations into helpful feedback.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (seven clips, plus one additional clip for a follow-up session), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This Single Point Lesson helps participants learn how to provide feedback in ways that are not insulting or inaccurate—so people listen.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to give feedback to others—using the skills taught in the lesson. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Dealing with "Undiscussables"

Why People Won’t Discuss Certain Opinions or Feelings—and the Cost

Introductory Summary:

What’s in your Left-Hand Column?

People hold certain facts, opinions, and feelings inside rather than share them openly. They store these "undiscussables" in their Left-Hand Column. Left-Hand Columns can either be talked out or acted out. You can’t hold them inside and not have them affect your actions. When people act out their Left-Hand Columns, they usually do so in unhealthy ways. They take cheap shots, talk sarcastically, use offensive humor, etc.

Healthy individuals and vital organizations go to great efforts to make it safe for people to share "undiscussables," thus limiting the size of Left-Hand Columns while expanding the pool of available meaning. Of course, when we expand the pool of available meaning, we increase our vitality.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Explain how and why people carry around "undiscussables."
2. Explain the consequences of carrying around baggage we feel uncomfortable sharing with others.
3. Identify many of the common "undiscussables" in our own organization.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (five clips).

Benefits: This lesson is the first in a suite of three lessons (#8, #9, and #10). This Single Point Lesson helps participants learn what "undiscussables" and Left-Hand Column are—and the costs associated with them.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to watch for Left-hand Columns. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Sharing Your Own "Undiscussables"

How to Discuss Really Tough Topics

Introductory Summary:

Tools for Speaking the "Unspeakable"

To check out our Left-Hand Column, we start with our thinking. We need to look for positive interpretations.

When we eventually talk with the other person, we do so tactfully—using at one or more of three levels: (1) Start with a simple Question. (2) If this doesn’t work, add the original Observation. (3) If this isn’t enough, explain your tentative Conclusion.

Using QuOC let’s us tactfully check out and talk out, rather than act out, our Left-Hand Column. We’re able to add to the pool of meaning without harming valuable relationships.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Check out their Left-Hand Columns rather than simply act them out.
2. Explain why it’s important to avoid jumping in with their conclusions.
3. Use QuOC when checking out their Left-Hand Columns.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (six clips).

Benefits: This lesson is the second in a suite of three lessons (#8, #9, and #10). This Single Point Lesson helps participants understand a method (QuOC) for sharing their Left-Hand Column.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to use their QuOC skills. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

Discussing "Undiscussables"

How to Get Better at Safely Bringing up Real Problems

Introductory Summary:

Real-Time Practice

The first step to checking out Left-Hand Columns starts with our head. We must find ways to assume the best rather than the worst. Then, when we do bring the "undiscussable" into the open, we use QuOC to maintain the spirit of Inquiry and ensure that we aren’t too forceful or impetuous.

By holding good thoughts and tactfully sharing our suspicions, we’re able to effectively add controversial, unpopular, and even threatening information into the pool of meaning. If the pool doesn’t contain both the good and the bad, it’s impossible to consistently make the best choices. To ensure vitality, the pool needs clear meaning constantly flowing into it.

Objectives: At the end of this session, your team will be able to . . .

1. Use QuOC and other techniques to share Left-Hand Columns.
2. Comfortably bring "undiscussables" out into the open where they can be resolved.

Materials: Single Point Lesson booklet for each participant, Leader’s Guide, Video (three clips), Contract Card for each participant.

Benefits: This lesson is the third in a suite of three lessons (#8, #9, and #10). This Single Point Lesson helps participants hone their QuOC skills as they bring difficult subjects out into the open.

At the end of this lesson, participants will make plans to use their QuOC skills whenever they have evidence that someone is carrying around a Left-Hand Column. Each team member also commits to an individual assignment and a group assignment. These commitments are reviewed during a later session.

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